New Journey to begin within Judaism

I met with my rabbi this past week and finally told him I wanted to start studying for a B'nai Mitzvah.  I have been thinking about this for a while (probably about 2 years) but haven't said anything to anyone.  In this conversation I was asked about my blog and my journal I kept during my conversion process.  Although, many parts of my journal are on this blog not everything has been put out here.  So, I am going to start from the beginning and put it all on here.  Once I begin studying for the B'nai Mitzvah part of my journey and keep it on here. 

I've found myself in several new situations lately and that involves meeting new people.  Of course, the people I come across have no idea when they first meet me I am Jewish and quite possibly could be the first Jewish person they have ever met.  But I also find a hesitation in letting folks know when they start asking about where I go on some Friday nights or Saturdays.  It's not that I am ashamed of being Jewish but it's more about just not wanting to get into that whole discussion that usually starts with "Oh".  And then if the conversation extends it can lead to the fact that I am a Jew by Choice.  And then there goes the line of dominos and the response is "Really".  Sometimes I just don't want to go into that whole discussion especially if it's with someone who is devout in their own faith because that conversation can take a bad turn if not handled carefully. 

Whereas, most folks really don't ask a lot of questions there are those that want to debate and then ask how does your family feel.  Those dominos just turned into a snowball effect.  And here we go - LOL! 

Truth is, my family doesn't quite grasp my decisions but then they never have with anything I've ever done.  Outside of a couple of nieces when they were younger none of my family has ever stepped into a synagogue.  While my friends on the other hand, have asked and attended a few services with me always to say they enjoyed it and were not offended in any way and to say how welcoming everyone was and nobody questioning that they weren't Jewish.  See, we don't look to convert others into the faith of Judaism.  That is something between one's self and G-d. 

So for me, the journey continues and my hope is to surround myself with positive folks and to embrace everyone's differences and beliefs as I want them to embrace mine!

It's Pesach and once again food items have been discarded whether in the trash or given away.  I went to a wonderful Seder on Monday night with lots of adults and children.  It was so nice to attend a Seder that was relaxed and welcoming to everyone. 
Pesach to me, is a time of celebration as we celebrate our freedom from slavery.  Even though there have been hard times during the mass exodus the end result was the freedom.  Although, our freedom didn't last and we have endured hard times since we always seem to rise above with our heads held high. 
So with that I say embrace the freedom and go out and be helpful to others!   

Recently I have spoken with someone regarding their journey with conversion and it has made me think of my journey.  I had lots of highs and lows with mine but the one constant was the peace I felt and still feel in my heart about being Jewish.  I was very happy to hear that this person is in a very happy place with their journey as they reach the formal part of conversion.  I couldn't be happier for them.  As I approached the formal part of my conversion it was one of those roller coaster rides.  Unfortunately, the synagogue I attend was in the process of going through some difficult transitions and even though I didn't know what all was going on I was aware of the tension and sadly those transitions involved the rabbi I was converting with.  Even though things were going on within the synagogue I was still at peace with my decision and it made me turn to prayer even more as at the time due to circumstances beyond my control G-d was the only one I had to turn to.  After all, the covenant I was entering into was with G-d so it made sense that is who I turned to.  I just didn't feel I had the community to lean on at that time. 

So, would I change anything about my journey?  NO!  This is the journey G-d had planned for me... well maybe not exactly but everytime I took a wrong path he always led me back to the path he wanted me on.  We all have free will it's just a matter of following your heart and sometimes that is easier said than done. 

Do I wish a few things happpened differently?  Of course!  I started out in Reform Judaism but after 2 years I wasn't connecting with any of the synagogues I was visiting.  But then I wouldn't have learned some of the things that I did about myself and Judaism. 

I do wish however the controversy and tension that was happening at the synagogue I converted at and still attend had not been there.  Everyone was so focused on the tension and the dirty laundry that was getting aired it made it very uncomfortable.  I remember wanting to meet with the senior rabbi before my formal conversion and he managed to make some time for me but if I had it to do all over again I would not have had the rabbi I converted with in on that meeting.  Sadly, I didn't really get anything out of that meeting.  I remember just wanting that rabbi to say to me that it didn't matter about all the controversy and tension that was going on around me and just remember G-d has my back.  See, I knew and still know this but sometimes when you're facing changes and transitions you just want an extra pat on the back knowing someone else supports you and your decisions. 

With this being said I do need to add a disclaimer in the event any of the people I am referring to read this or people know who they are I have no ill feelings towards anyone.  In fact, I have a lot of respect for the rabbis I am speaking of.  The one I converted with has moved on to other things and new adventures.  The other rabbi I am referring to is someone who cares for the congregation and community and delivers very good sermons and many that make me think.  As for the rabbis I met in the Reform synagogues... just because I didn't connect with any there are many that do. 

I must add I am not one for groups of people.  My comfort zone is small groups of people and then it still takes time for me to open up.  I tend to sit back and watch and listen before jumping in with my thoughts and comments.  I tend to congregate towards people who love animals and as much as I hate to say it I haven't found anyone at my synagogue who has a love for animals.  Now I know most people aren't on the level I am about animals but there has to be someone who has a love for animals that hits the rictor scale in there somewhere :-)  I guess that will be another blog for another day :-)   

My advice for others going down this path... ALWAYS LISTEN TO AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART! 

I remembered a phrase I hear from time to time from my friends and that is sometimes they have to have a "come to Jesus meeting with someone".  Meaning just get it all out in the open.  Well, obviously that wouldn't make much sense for me to say and out of nowhere I wrote "I'm going to have a come to Mt. Sinai meeting".  It was said in a humorous way because it had to do with my lawnmower (and for those that know me know how much I dread starting up the lawnmower because they always give me problems so we have to have a prayer session before, during and after cutting the grass - which always ends with a thank you when I'm done and the lawnmower has cooperated).  Well, this past Sunday it didn't cooperate and got left in time out in the middle of the yard.  So when one of my brothers came over to repair it yesterday it started up and purrred like a kitten for him.   There were a lot of thoughts that went through my head but instead I came in the house and let my brother finish cutting my yard for me and decided me and the lawnmower had to have a come to Mt. Sinai meeting.  I don't care if Moses, Noah or Elijah show up but me and the lawnmower are going to have to come to terms in another week.  So somebody needs to say a prayer for us at this meeting :-),  And when I told someone about this incident their response was it was Murphy's Law - if it's broke for me it will be just fine for someone else.  My response... KISS MY GRITS!!!  LOL! 

So the moral of this little story is even when things are frustrating sometimes you just have to take a step away (not necessarily back) and just find the humor in it and laugh and eventually things will get better! 

DREAMS

Last night I had a dream that when I woke up I felt at peace.  Lately, I've been giving a lot of thought to the type of man to date.  Should he be Jewish or does it really matter?  I've been thinking this for quite some time.  But last night before I went to bed I had a lot of thoughts going through my head about Chanukah since tonight is the first night.  But I guess somewhere in my subconscious that dating question was lingering around more than I thought.  The dream I had took me back to someone I dated and cared for deeply many years ago but living now in the present.  This man in my dream somehow communicated to me it didn't matter what religion I am and what religion any man is as long as there is respect for each person's beliefs.  This is something I know on the surface but my heart struggled with.  I woke up feeling at peace it doesn't matter what religion any man I date is and it's okay to date someone who isn't Jewish.  To feel at peace in my heart means so much more to me than what my head tells me.  I really believe it was a message from G-d to just be me and don't worry about anything else as he will make sure everything turns out as it should. 

Courage

So one of the things talked about during the Torah reading at services yesterday really hit home with me.  One of the rabbi's brought up conversion.  Of course I sat there with anticipation of what he was going to say.  Even though we have talked briefly in the past of my conversion I'm always interested to hear what anyone says regarding this topic.  Basically, you're born Jewish or you are a Jew by Choice was the scenario.  He was asking how many people thought it was a choice to be Jewish.  Some people gave their opinions.  Then I heard him say something I've never heard anyone say before.  He asked how many people would want to have the conversation with their family about converting to another faith.  As he explained he was saying it takes courage to have that conversation and then act upon it.  I had to chuckle as this is so true.  I sat there thinking how many of those people sitting in the pews have ever really thought about what they believe and have ever studied other religions to see how they really feel. 

See, for me I think everyone should search their heart and soul for what they believe and not just go by what someone has told them to believe.  If we all believed everything someone told us to believe we could find ourselves down some paths we don't want or need to be.  And life is already hard enough to maneuver in without knowing your heart. 

You have to know where you came from to get to where you are going.  Life is a journey...