DREAMS

Last night I had a dream that when I woke up I felt at peace.  Lately, I've been giving a lot of thought to the type of man to date.  Should he be Jewish or does it really matter?  I've been thinking this for quite some time.  But last night before I went to bed I had a lot of thoughts going through my head about Chanukah since tonight is the first night.  But I guess somewhere in my subconscious that dating question was lingering around more than I thought.  The dream I had took me back to someone I dated and cared for deeply many years ago but living now in the present.  This man in my dream somehow communicated to me it didn't matter what religion I am and what religion any man is as long as there is respect for each person's beliefs.  This is something I know on the surface but my heart struggled with.  I woke up feeling at peace it doesn't matter what religion any man I date is and it's okay to date someone who isn't Jewish.  To feel at peace in my heart means so much more to me than what my head tells me.  I really believe it was a message from G-d to just be me and don't worry about anything else as he will make sure everything turns out as it should. 

Courage

So one of the things talked about during the Torah reading at services yesterday really hit home with me.  One of the rabbi's brought up conversion.  Of course I sat there with anticipation of what he was going to say.  Even though we have talked briefly in the past of my conversion I'm always interested to hear what anyone says regarding this topic.  Basically, you're born Jewish or you are a Jew by Choice was the scenario.  He was asking how many people thought it was a choice to be Jewish.  Some people gave their opinions.  Then I heard him say something I've never heard anyone say before.  He asked how many people would want to have the conversation with their family about converting to another faith.  As he explained he was saying it takes courage to have that conversation and then act upon it.  I had to chuckle as this is so true.  I sat there thinking how many of those people sitting in the pews have ever really thought about what they believe and have ever studied other religions to see how they really feel. 

See, for me I think everyone should search their heart and soul for what they believe and not just go by what someone has told them to believe.  If we all believed everything someone told us to believe we could find ourselves down some paths we don't want or need to be.  And life is already hard enough to maneuver in without knowing your heart. 

You have to know where you came from to get to where you are going.  Life is a journey... 

Lately, I've been going to the Friday night Shabbat services instead of the Saturday morning services.  There's some similarity but at also a little bit of dfiference.  Main difference is the Torahs are not out on Friday nights whereas they are on Saturdays. 

So Friday night I went to one of the services and there was a potluck dinner afterwards.  These are always a struggle for me as I'm not good in these quaint intimate settings.  I prefer to people watch and get lost in the crowd.  I do my best to mingle or interact which I will admit is not very good.  But as I sat there tonight at this dinner I realized I have nothing in common with these people other than being Jewish.  I'm not a doctor or lawyer like most of the people that were there and I'm not about to put on airs that I am.  I work in a doctor's office but that is about it for me.  I am more of a country girl who loves her rock and roll and country music.  A lot of these people would have a heart attack if  they heard some of the music I listen to.  Now don't get me wrong, these people are very nice and pleasant but I just don't share the same interests they do. 

My one pet peeve though is having to explain where I live.  I might as well live on the other side of the world.  There is only 1 synagogue near me and the rest are on the other side of town (or world) .  I was almost ready to get a sign and hold it up letting folks know I am aware of that hour drive to shul. 

My rabbi told me to just jump in and start talking but then instead of just me looking lost in their conversations everyone would looking at me lost in my conversation and it would go nowhere.  I just can't imagine trying to explain some of the music groups I like, Bon Jovi, Nickelback, Mother's Finest just to name a few.  And then to explain what songs they sing... I just don't see it happening.  Just the titles of the songs let alone the lyrics would be enough to scare off these folks. 

So we'll see what next week brings and not to mention the High Holy Days just around the corner. 

Quoting Scriptures

Lately it seems people want to quote Bible scriptures. I've never been one to memorize scriptures or quote scriptures. Much less understand why some people think it's so important to quote scriptures. Most of the time when I encounter people like this I walk away or I just tune them out and they eventually realize I'm not listening.

With the social network age upon us I often encounter this online especially on Facebook. My News Feed can get cluttered with people quoting scriptures and I have to either hide the post or refresh. This is when having over 350 "friends" on my page comes in handy because there is almost always somebody posting. Problem is these people think they have to post several religious postings - I guess they know people like me miss a lot of status updates due to the amount of friends I have and how frequent they post. Yeah, I'm being a little sarcastic with that last statement.

What I don't understand is why these people feel the need to quote scriptures and often try converting someone to their beliefs. I converted to Judaism on my own nobody approached me. This was something in my heart that was there for a long time and I never said anything until I knew in my heart I was making the right decision. But my decision is for me. I don't believe anyone has to claim a religion or even attend worship services. Why do others think they're responsible for someone else's choices? We're all only responsible for ourselves and the decisions we make not what everyone else decides.

These same people who are quoting scriptures and posting are the same ones that if you look at their pages and the comments they make in various threads are hpypocritical. If you're going to preach it then you need to LIVE IT! I really just don't have time for folks like this.

1st night of Pesach

Well, tonight was the first night of Pesach. I switched things up this year and opted out of going somewhere for a Seder. It's been nice and relaxing. But the best part was getting to talk some friends, some Jewish some not and just talk. Some of it was about Pesach some of it wasn't. But it was nice to just talk and share "stuff" with friends. It was nice to come offline for a bit also. I still have the option of going somewhere for the 2nd night but I think I'm going to opt out again. It's nice to have these options and have people think of me enough to invite me but getting home at 1AM or 2AM from a Seder isn't what I wanted to do this year. While I'm not doing the traditional Seder I still very attached in my heart to the Jewish community that I love so dearly.

Pesach

So Pesach is upon us. I always struggle with Seders. I know we're always supposed to either have/attend a Seder the first 2 nights. But for me it's also a time of reflection and remember what the Jews went thru when they left Egypt and the freedom that came with being released from slavery.

As I watch what is being said on a listserve I participate in I see other Jews by Choice struggling with some of the same things. Pesach tends to be more for those with families. I'm single and only have 2 dogs. I have no children. I love kids so the kids aren't the issue. But how does a single person fit into a family oriented event. Yeah, most folks my age have kids whether they're married or not. That's just not the way it's worked for me so far in my life. I also tend to be more casual than other Jewish families I'm in contact with. I don't mind dressing up for dinner but I'm just not a white tablecloth and napkins and elbows off the table type gal. I dread getting asked the same questions by others at the Seder... what kind of job do I have? am I married? why did I convert? what denomination of Christianity was I? As I sit there answering their questions I find myself being so far away from their world. I know they mean well and it's just casual conversation which is why I oblige and give polite answers. I know as well as they do I can't explain some of these answer in 2 sentences much less one evening of conversation. So then the awkwardness begins.

Don't get me wrong the Jewish friends I have especially at the shul I attend are wonderful folks and are great examples of how to live a Jewish life. I love them dearly and have a lot of respect for them. Not to mention they have taught me a lot and allow me to continue to ask questions and provide answers. I'm just not good in large groups of people and there tends to be at least 15 people at these Seders. Some know how I feel about being in groups of people. They say they're going to get me to overcome this but I don't think there is enough wine for me to drink to do so. So this year I'm taking Pesach one day at a time and spend more time reflecting on what I believe G-d wants for me and do it.

Angels

I've been away from my blog for a while and been thinking it's time to get back on here and start writing more of my thoughts.

Lately, it's been about angels. When I was in the process of converting I was told that Jews didn't believe in angels. And even though my name means angel I couldn't go with the Hebrew word for angel which is Malach (or variations of the spelling). Well, that's not totally true. Angels are spoken about in the Tanakh.

But lately, I've been having dreams and some haven't been very good dreams in fact I would call them nightmares as they've scared me for what they revealed. I was talking to someone I work with about them and she said I had an outer body experience. I don't really know how I feel or what I think about the dreams. But what I do know is I DO BELIEVE IN ANGELS. I just don't understand the scary dreams.

As for my Hebrew name well... I didn't want the Hebrew for my given name so it wasn't an issue for me. I love the name I chose... Kochava Vered (Star Rose)